I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
P.S. I can't hear my feet
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
