he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
