im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
