i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
