I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
