wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
