Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
