dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
