Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
