do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
