Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
