ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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