he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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