I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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