You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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