Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
