please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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