if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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