you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
