god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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