Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
