If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
