New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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