I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
