It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
