I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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