I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
