Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
