i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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