Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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