I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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