Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
