the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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