when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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