I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
