Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
