I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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