eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
How naked do you want me to be?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
