when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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