standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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