Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
