Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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