Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
