this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
