She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
