Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
