You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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