I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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