i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
