I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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